Assyrian minority being held hostage by various terrorist groups in Iraq

international | rights, freedoms and repression | news report Friday August 01, 2003 16:06 by Ashur Isaac

Assyrian Hostages in Iraq

Today we hear reports of the Assyrian minority being held hostage by various terrorist groups in Iraq. The most prominent of these groups, the Future United Kurdistan, is suspected to have strong historical links to Arab and Turkish agencies.

The most prominent of these groups, the Future United Kurdistan, is suspected to have strong historical links to Arab and Turkish agencies (although other sources disclose that Turkish relations had soured).

The head of Future United Kurdistan read three demands that must be fulfilled in order to 'free' the Assyrian hostages in Iraq:

1. Assyrians in Iraq and around the world to relent from demanding any rights that may impact on Kurdish designs for northern Iraq. "No rights will be given to Assyrians apart from the same rights any decent muslim of Iraq has. Our code of conduct has been made very clear by our Shiite brothers who have also worked tirelessly to maintain the right spiritual focus amongst the upheaval Iraq has recently experience.” said the leader of Future United Kurdistan.

2. Assyrians in Iraq and around the world to relent from making any outrageous demands such as the right for self-determination and self-representation in high government office. Furthermore, any desire for self-rule by Assyrians must henceforth be purged from their community "because we know how to best rule for them." said the representative after drying his eyes and blowing his nose.

3. The name "Assyrian" must be officially changed to "AssyroChaldean" in order to guarantee nullification of future activism. "Our Kurdish and Arab Christian brothers, the Chaldeans, have had a long history of close association with our culture and prosperity in our country, and have taken it upon themselves the charitable task of providing tutelage for the Assyrian community to better integrate in the new Iraq" remarked the Future United Kurdistan representative, who received a nod from a Chaldean Bishop present to assist in the welfare of the Assyrian hostages.

The Kurdish group insists that they know how to best look after the Assyrian minority’s interests in Kurdistan. The Kurdish group said that any claims of mistreatment the Assyrians have made are “so similar to that of the experience of Kurds under Turkish and Arab rule, that in actuality the Assyrians have plagiarised Kurdish history and future educational curriculum will have to correct this grievous error”. Sources close to the group have reported substantial oil revenue being diverted to fund computer upgrades for the Kurdish Department of Find and Replace.

The terrorist group ended with a final warning as to the consequences of not conforming to their demands. "Remember that we out-number you Assyrians. Remember also, that we are making very good progress convincing our hostages and they are the ones who will have to continue living with us" said the FUK head.

US response in Baghdad to this development has been to reprint the draft constitution with relevant sections in large bold font type to emphasise that concerns Future United Kurdistan has about any minority group are baseless.

The UN has issues an official “no comment” response, although our sources close to the United Nations Commissioner for Human Rights has said that the situation is being closely monitored and believe that, much like in the past, a suitable domestic solution will be worked out for all the parties.