O Jeffrey, Where art Thou?

national | arts and media | news report Tuesday July 07, 2009 23:00 by Mick Collins

Update on Jeffrey Donaldson Expenses Revelations!!

Satirical look at the Jeffrey Donaldson Expenses Revelations!!

O Jeffrey, Where Art Thou?

Northern Ireland’s DUP MP, Jeffrey Donaldson, has decided to reimburse the Commons’ Fees Office to the tune of £660 that he claimed for expenses on his parliamentary visits to London during the period 2004-5. Mr. Donaldson is a self styled ‘Christian Politician’ and personifies a very smug and pious demeanour as he adorns his ‘Jesus Fish’ symbol on his crusade for the North's Ulster Unionism.

Who would have thought that ‘Norn Iron’ could produce our very own version of Jonathan Ross! Actually if Mr Ross did hail from here then it would be hilarious listening to him trying to say ‘Norn Iron’! The surprise scoop on the ‘Man For All Genres’ Mr Donaldson was brought to public attention by the Daily Telegraph at the weekend as the parliamentary fees scandal rumbles on.

The Daily Telegraph’s subtle opening paragraph introduces Mr Donaldson as:

'Mr Donaldson, 46, a married father of two, used his Commons second home allowances to pay for films in his hotel room nearly every time he travelled from Northern Ireland to the capital on parliamentary business.'

According to submitted receipts Jeffrey Donaldson accrued total costs of £555.54 pertaining to a total of 68 films during the time period 2004-2005;

'Receipts submitted by the MP before then show that the films he claimed for ranged in price from £7.50 at the Marriot, County Hall, to £14.95 at the Renaissance Hotel, Heathrow Airport. He was billed for 30 films during his stays at the Jolly Hotel St Ermine near Westminster, Mr Donaldson’s hotel of choice, at a cost of £7.95 a time. On four occasions he put the £9.95 cost of watching films at Hilton Hotels on his expenses.'

Mr Donaldson was not content with normal terrestrial T.V. offerings. Oh NO, NO, NO, instead he opted for the Blockbuster category! (Rebels Yell readers behave!!) The newspaper article then elaborates in greater depth into the nature of those films currently available on pay-per-view.

At present, the films on offer which would fall into THIS ‘Blockbuster’ category at the Marriott are 'Sexy Scenes 2009, series 2, series 5 and series 7', 'Hotel For Dogs' (2009), 'Friday the 13th' (2009), 'Role Models' (2009) and 'Death Race' (2009).

In press releases issued on Friday night Mr Donaldson moved to disassociate himself and strenuously deny any claims that any porn flicks were on the agenda!;

“Such material was not viewed on the date alleged, or at all.”

Of course, if you are really stuck for an excuse you can always blame it on the RA!!

"Unfortunately, because of my security situation at the time, my family and I can't go to the cinema, so I took the opportunity to watch some of the films at the hotel."

Food for Thought (oh those DUP boys and gals do love their Grub!)

The Daily Telegraph also reported that the hotel costs were collectively classed as “Room Service 2”;

Most of the films appeared on the hotel bills as “Room Service 2”, meaning that their nature was not obvious to officials. On one occasion, the item “Room Service 2” was circled on the receipt by Mr Donaldson or staff working for him, and the word “food” written next to it, before the claim was submitted.

Mr Donaldson had just joined the DUP party, one year prior to these events. 2004-05 was a good year for the discerning film buff! Top box office hits included Shrek 2, National Treasure, Christmas with the Cranks, The Polar Express, The Incredibles etc. When asked on interview which films he remembers watching, a very hesitant Mr. Donaldson came up with 'Star Wars - The Original Trilogy [DVD] [1977]and 'The Lion the Witch and The Wardrobe'!!

For those cynics amongst us, who do not belief in innocence until proven guilty, may have picked up Jeffrey's uncharacteristically indecisive. Mr Donaldson picked two very safe options, 'Star Wars Trilogy' and the ‘The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe ’! Good safe non-innuendo choices but hopefully regarding the latter he doesn’t fall foul of any jumping of the wardrobe jokes, these tend to leave a nasty taste in the mouth! (plzzz Rebels Yell readers no Batman jokes!!!!). I sincerely hope that no Rebels's Yell readers are fans of the ‘Kung Fu’ legendary actor David Carradine, 72, who succumb to a bizarre fate in a Thai Hotel room. Thai police were investigating the twin theories that the death was either suicide or a sex game gone wrong. Carradine was found hanging in a wardrobe with a rope around his neck and other parts of his body. Oouuchhh!!

Check out what was VIEWABLE and what was not back in 2004/2005 for Jeffrey as he lay alone in his Hotel Room! http://www.therebelsyell.com