The real budget speech-unexpurgated version

national | bin tax / household tax / water tax | opinion/analysis Saturday December 04, 2004 21:42 by John McDermott - Removefiannafail strokepolitics at leinsterhouse dot ie

stealthy strokes by Bertie,s folks

Brian Cowan stated that his presentation was the result of "an overwhelming feeling of generosity" which overcame him during the drafting of the first "no extra taxes on anything"budget in the history of the Soldiers of Destiny.St Bertie gave it his blessing,and so it came to pass....

Brian Cowans budget speech in full.

"Good morning suckers,it is my duty to say a few words,by way of preamble,to my very special 2004 budget.
You may be aware that since the last election we have surreptitiously,slyly and stealthily increased the cost of living enormously with a raft of new charges and price hikes-no fewer than 27 in all-and I bet you hardly noticed!
The total cost of these charges,since the last two budgets, to each family in the land is estimated to be in the region of 2000 Euros per annum.
These price hikes are too numerous-and boring- to outline in detail,but they include;
VAT up 8%
MOTOR TAX up 12%
HOSPITAL CHARGES up 26%
VHI CHARGES up 18%,and climbing(40% of the population pay VHI!-a special form of "double taxation"
FAGS AND BOOZE up 20%
BIN TAXES have DOUBLED,and are set to DOUBLE again in 2005
The highest paid workers in the state(ESB) bills up 13%
COLLEGE FEES(disguised as "registration charges") up from zero to 750 Euros
Parking charges citywide (and now extending into suburbia) up 25%
TV LICENCE up 40%
THE DISGRACEFUL SHAMBLES,called a "health service" which only caters for 60% of the population,up 15% for double whammy VHI members who cannot afford a fully private hospital.
Change your maiden name on a passport,or get a new one;-up 33%!
Business premises rates are increasing countrywide at a rate of 20%,all of which will be passed down the line to consumers,
DEVELOPMENT LEVIES,ranging from 6000euros to 30,000 euros countrywide, on all new houses, are sending already spiraling prices,through the roof.

Dear sucke..I mean citizens,I ask for your patience,as these unfortunate charges,are an unhappy necessity.
How else would we finance our generous benchmarking increases for the many thousands of uncivil servants,and public sector local government employees,who are in possession of secure and pensionable jobs.?
They also benefit from a private health care system which means they will never have to queue in draughty hospital corridors or wait 18 months for a specialist appointment -while they are, maybe, dying from a "stealthy" malignant tumour.
How else can our farmers be paid huge annual income subsidies for feeding ducks and drakes in their happy habitat,
for minding butterflies in their bogs,for growing alien species of softwood pine plantations which will never be even profitable to develop,after the twenty year span of these cosy "pension for life" schemes concocted on the back of a packet of cigarettes,by some mad Brussels based political has beens,like Charly McCreevy?
Take note that we are already in serious financial crisis.Many senior Civil Servants lie awake at night wondering who they will screw for the huge indexlinked pensions,they and their teacher,and E.S.B worker,companions will expect to receive into a very ripe old age.
Somebody has to pay for it all.
If our americans benefactors ever struck camp and sailed off to China(3-com did so 2 years ago) what would happen.? A prospect too horrible to contemplate.
Taxes-no change for the rich.
The rising cost of property(instigated by our manipulation of the urban housing market)has brought in massive stamp duty and capital gains taxes.
Mary,my comely companion,now in Health, has pursuing the less nimble tax dodgers relentlessly, and we are happily, awash with money .
This has disguised our extravagance;our wasteful spending;our incompetence;and a bit of old fashioned corruption thrown in for good measure.
I therefore propose to leave unchanged the legal tax dodging schemes,for the filthy rich,-such as high rise car parks;horse breeding/pedigree mare insemination; and of course our newest innovation;-private hospitals,which will soon be catering for 90% of the sick and needy in the State.
Larry Goodman and friends are ploughing billions into a new and efficient private health sector.This trend must be encouraged.
I am setting aside 9 billion Euros to early pension off the entire ,ineffectual, public hospital administration.
This scheme is mirrored on that of the Farmers early retirement fund,whereby those that hand over their assets to their family ,not only pay no death duties,but recieve a generous pension for life.

Lowest inflation rate ever.

Finally,I am pleased to be able to tell you that we have by incredibly astute tricker-I mean to say good management, and bookeeping-been able to contain the official annual inflation rate to a very reasonable 3.9%.!
This smoke and mirrors exercise is perhaps our finest achievement,and I am happy to say to you in closing that the economy is in good hands with The Soldiers of Destiny,and our gallant socialist leader Bertie Ahern.
You know in your heart of hearts that we are the only party with the interests of poor farmers and workers as our core philosophy."

Yours affectionately,Brian Cowan
Minister for Unprecedented Generousity and Prosperity.
Leinster House,Dublin(soon to be decentralised to the Bog of Allen)
www.soldiersofdestiny.org the real Fianna Fail website.!