Accumulated pain; depression and suicide.

The last time Suicide was raised on Indymedia, 27 people replied. Another article referred to the Father who felt such pain that he opted to set fire to himself in a solicitors office. This is about pain and it is my hope that this article written at a painful time in my life might initiate the word HOPE in the minds of vulnerable, saddened, people.

'We are all in the gutter but some of us are looking at the stars'

Quotation: Oscar Wilde

The truth is that for some of us, while in the gutter, the stars can still be seen, but for others who often may be deemed by others to lead a privileged life, a time in their life may occur when the dark, star-less gutter comprises their life.

Be it of their own making or not, and who is anyone to assume the position of judge? - - they have reached that place where the dark mist seeps through their mind and thinking processes. The reality is as stark as a life or death route.

I have been there more than a few times and yearned for the blow that would give peace. I sought that inadvertent accident. I have stood watching the No. 10 bus, my mind focused on how wholly effective the method would be? There could be nothing worse than not attaining one's objective.

Characteristics, in my opinion, can influence the ultimate decision. In my case, I regard empathy as a prominent factor. To empathise, is to basically stand in another's shoes and it is this that proves each time the deciding factor. You see, from personal experience, the effect of suicide on those concerned, particularly the family and friends, and all who come in contact with the death by suicide, is both damaging and a life sentence.

The 'Holy Spirit' or whoever you choose can work in very mysterious ways:-

While I was living in England in the 1980's, I was a commuter, by train daily, to the City, where I worked. It was a hard winter and there was a lot of snow and frost causing major delays and cancellations on the trains. One day as I stood waiting to board an overcrowded, last train out of Liverpool Street, the train driver felt kindly toward me and invited me to join him in his part of the train. We chatted but interestingly the subject changed to suicide.

Before long I realised a perspective I never looked at. He angrily spoke of the selfishness of people who weekly threw themselves before the trains. He and his fellow train drivers had to deal emotionally, physically and otherwise with these harrowing events. This conversation, always remains with me albeit I know when things become so bleak, this rationality scarcely applies. However, if at all possible try and keep a level of empathy in mind.

My depressions have been violent and numerous yet every time I 'resurrect out of the ashes', I am caught in a near ecstasy of enthusiasm to ask why, seek further research and responses, to read more, to assist anyone as much as possible whom I feel may need help i.e. within the protection boundaries I must set for myself. Opportunities each time present themselves and it is these experiences that drive me on - I am constantly in search of any answer.

August 2001 - during a very disturbed yet enlightening period in my life. I found this and here I am November 2004 and content.