Scaremongering claptrap on Richard and Judy.

national | miscellaneous | news report Wednesday March 19, 2003 18:51 by Daphnee T

With the shadow of war looming, Shoplifter Richard mandelay and his wizened old bag sorry wife Judy, have taken to making public information broadcasts the like of which haven't seen sunlight since the 1950's. Today they had a chilling looking so called counter terrrorism expert on, this woman or corpse like woman, had the manner, charm and brains of an air hostess.

Looking like death warmed up the counter terrorism expert began to give us poor members of the public/victims cheery advice in her bestest air hostess manner on how to survive armageddon, nuclear, dirty bomb or chemical attack, so listen carefully with mummy,
1)Take shelter, yes you can run into your house and close the door, make sure you have a copious supply of selotape to tape up your doors and windows, it prevents toxic nuclear/chemical fumes from seeping into your house apparently! Or if you're Richard and Judy buy your own underground nuclear bunker.
2)Don't stand down wind of a bomb blast, you wouldn't want your hairstyle destroyed by the blast, so careful now ladies.
3)Decontaminate, yes take off those rings, necklaces and contact lens, nuclear particles may become trapped on these objects, so remove them and give them a good wash. Then give yourself old scrub down with soap and water, there now simple!.
4)Follow advice given by the authorities, DO AS YOUR TOLD.
5)Wear suits and masks, or if you're richard and judy again, buy top of the range designer protective clothing and masks.
So it's very simple and easy to survive armageddon if you follow our cheery tips, pip, pip and chin up.