the mandarins script(bremner bird and fortune)

national | miscellaneous | news report Tuesday January 21, 2003 12:49 by countryman steviemc at eircom dot net

read this brilliant piece and weep.

THE MANDARINS

THE FOREIGN OFFICE, 2002.

MANDARIN 1:
Remind me again why we’re invading.

MANDARIN 2:
Because it is our sacred duty to liberate the population from, what did Jack Straw call it? “One of the most vicious and evil regimes in the history of mankind”.

MANDARIN 1:
Yes it’s Saddam Hussein, but didn’t he use to be our ally?

MANDARIN 2:
Well I mean there was a time when he was the bulwark of stability against the fanatics of Iran, but we’ve got to forget all about that.

MANDARIN 1:
Of course. He’s a threat to our oil supplies..

MANDARIN 2:
How many times do I have to tell you Tristram this has got nothing whatsoever to do with oil.

MANDARIN 1:
Sorry yes. So this is an historic moment then?

MANDARIN 2:
It certainly is. Nothing like this has ever happened before. Before. Before.

CUT TO

THE FOREIGN OFFICE 1917.
MANDARIN 1:
Remind me again why we’re invading.

MANDARIN 2:
Because it is our sacred duty to liberate the population from one of the most vicious and evil regimes in the history of mankind.

MANDARIN 1:
Oh you mean the Turks? But didn’t they use to be our allies?

MANDARIN 2:
Well thee was a time of course when the Turks were a bulwark of stability against the Russian Empire, but we have to forget about all that.

MANDARIN 1:
And of course they’ve just discovered oil there haven’t they?

MANDARIN 2:
This has nothing whatsoever to do with oil.

MANDARIN 1:
But it’s an enormous country.

MANDARIN 2:
Yes of course it isn’t a country at all is it, just a lot of mud and sand and mountains. But we’ll make it a country.
MANDARIN 1:
Are we going to invent a whole new country?

MANDARIN 2:
Yes, we often do that in the British Empire. Haven’t you ever done it?

MANDARIN 1:
No.

MANDARIN 2:
Well now’s your chance.

MANDARIN 1:
It’s tremendous fun. And we’ll call it. It says here Mesopotamia.

MANDARIN 2:
No no no, Mesopotamia takes too long to write. No we need something short and snappy.

MANDARIN 1:
Well anyway, after we’ve invaded, it will just be a wreck.

MANDARIN 2:
Yes. What? What did you say?

MANDARIN 1:
It will just be a wreck.

MANDARIN 2:
Ireq. I like the sound of that. Ireq.

MAP AND VOICE OVER.

V/O:
And so it was that the British put Iraq on the Middle Eastern map. This land where ancient tribes have withstood the passage of time, the boundaries between them shifting and evolving over the centuries. Slowly the mighty empire of Mesopotamia, it’s dominions defined over thousands of years, gave way to the might Ottoman Empire of the Turks, whose stewardship passed in turn to the custody of the great colonial nations. Britain, France, Russia. Each mindful of borders etched over time, careful to respect and refine the delicate patchwork of territories and historic boundaries. Aware of how unsettling constant change can be.

Mapping out the future only after the most infinite attention to detail, slowly, subtly, over the course of the century barely perceptible changes were made to accommodate the indigenous population, each serving to add new shades to a land already rich in colour.